Our Own Worst Enemy

The past was terrible. It was lonely and painful. The past filled you with memories that dance around you like shadows. It has made you feel crazy and chaotic, broken and weak. Maybe your family gave up on you because of it, or maybe you gave up on yourself. Maybe you look into the mirror and you hate the body that you live in. You hate your body, all the way down to every vein that twists and turns inside of you, keeping your heart beating. Perhaps it’s because you see the person you used to be in that glass reflection. Perhaps it’s because the person you became is nowhere near your heightened expectations.

We are all full of different perceptions, different perspectives. The ways in which we see the world, the ways we view the people living and breathing around us, is what makes us who we are. Including the way that we see ourselves. 

Sometimes, we are our own worst enemies. We build walls around our souls, burn bridges and break our own hearts. We become the monsters that we constantly tell ourselves we are. But that’s not how it always has to be.

We can be strong and brave despite our mistakes and imperfections. We can be great and mighty regardless of the people we were before. We can kill off the old versions of ourselves, make them exist only in places that make us better.

We can be better. We just have to allow ourselves.

What Society Doesn’t Teach Us

I’m becoming more aware of the little things, like the way the floor feels on the bottom of my feet as I tumble out of bed, or the way my daughter’s hair smells when she hugs me really tight. I have these epiphanies regarding my mortality that make me appreciate the things I’ve been gifted with more; lips to speak out of, lungs to breathe with, a heart that beats inside of my chest, legs that walk. I could go on forever about fortunes which lie in our grasps, privileges we often take for granted. But I think you understand where I’m going with this.

I am starting to notice things like the way my pupils change in reaction to the light. I look down at my hands and I see the lines that God carved into my palms, the intricate beauty planted into our skin that television never shows us.

It’s funny, really. Well…maybe not so much. Society doesn’t teach us about the beauty of stretchmarks upon a woman or a man’s skin, nor does it teach us about the wonders of an intelligent brain or about smiles that could light whole houses.

No. It teaches us what “good enough” is supposed to look like. Lies that we are taught to believe, fantasies that we are expected to measure up to. It’s all fake. Trust me, it is. None of it matters. One day, you are going to lose that perfect figure, that toned body that you wasted years struggling to obtain. Growing old is inevitable. Our bodies will shrink and wrinkle, wither and writhe into foreign shapes and forms, things that we no longer recognize. Our soul is what permeates eternity, the things that we stand for are what stay with us forever. Have you ever heard the saying, “It’s what’s on the inside that counts,”?

It’s damn true, people.

Stop wasting your precious time on trying to look the way television tells you to look and spend more time focusing on what’s going to make you happy, on what’s going to guide you through the darkness when you’re without any light. Those are the things that should matter; the little things. The things that we fail to recognize on a daily basis.

Appreciate those moments that are important in your life, so you don’t end up taking them for granted and regretting it forever. Kiss your kids goodnight and make sure they know that you love them. Call your grandparents or some other relative just so you can hear their voice. Smile, because smiling is crucial. Forgive someone. Start repeating affirmations to yourself in the morning. Go grab a coffee with a friend you haven’t heard from in a long time, someone you’ve been meaning to reconnect with. Start that project you’ve been wanting to start for months or even years.

Just do some things a little differently. Focus on something you wouldn’t normally focus on. You never know how it could change your perspective.

 

 

You Are Not Your Past

We all have skeletons in our closets. We all have ghosts who come from our past that follow us and haunt us. They peek their heads out at our most vulnerable times. They pick at our thought processes and disrupt our dreams. We think that we are nothing without them, that our past failures and mistakes run our lives. We procure this belief in our minds that we will always be our past, that our futures are reliant on all of the things which we’ve done before. 

There is no reason to keep walking around aimlessly in the graveyard of regrets that fear has built up around you. Put your hand on your chest. Your heart lives there. It’s still beating, even after all that you have been through. Don’t allow it to beat for nothing. Declare yourself alive and live the life that you were put on this earth to live. There’s no reason not to. 

Stop punishing yourself for those things that you did years ago. You cannot hold the guilt inside forever, it will kill you. Forgive yourself. That’s the only way that you will be able to move on. I know that it’s easier said than done. I know that forgiveness and letting go are some of the hardest things to do, especially when it comes to forgiving ourselves.

It’s a crazy thing, really, that the person who we are hardest on, the one which we chastise and hurt the most, is ourselvesWe need to start learning how to love ourselves at our most unlovable moments, to let our hearts work through the most painful things without breaking. Doing that is the only way we will be able to get rid of the ghosts who haunt us, and to stop allowing the skeletons in our closets to run our lives.

The mistakes that we have made are what make us beautiful and strong. They shape us to become better versions of ourselves. We do not have to wallow in the guilt of the past. We do not have to sit in the darkness of what once was.

We do not. 

 

 

I Am Human.

My past is like a garden inside of me, blooming & growing & giving birth to beautiful things. My thoughts are constellations, whirling around inside the depths of my mind. These bones make up the fortress that holds the very thing that I am & my skin, etched deep with scars, is pulled tightly over it. My organs beat & hum inside me, full of life & sometimes even purpose.

I am the same thing that we all are. I am human. I am flawed & full of painful memories. I am imperfect & yet beautiful.

I am a walking storybook,
& I keep on turning the pages.

Find Your Light

I am alive, more alive than I ever have been before. My heart beats, flooding my veins with renewed purpose. My lungs fill and expand as I take in a breath of fresh air and my eyes widen. I am hopeful.

Within all of the darkness, I have a found a light that guides me through. This light tells me that I am worthy of having a voice and that there are people out there who will listen to me. It shows me my way when I am lost. It fills the emptiest parts of my soul and creates within me an everlasting peace. This light is my compass, my hope, the protector of my happiness.

You have that same light inside of you too. Trust me, it’s there. It’s waiting within the shadows of your innermost being, it sits in the realm of your darkest thoughts.

Find it. Let it out. It’s dying to guide you home. 

Find Your Strength

My heart is well worn and well oiled, soaked in years of suffering, trauma & struggle. It has become overgrown; my love, passions & cravings spreading throughout my chest like 100 year old vines on an old Victorian mansion. It’s a forest of truth dying to get out, branches reaching up through my throat and pulling at my lips, begging me to say something that helps people.

But there are times, though, where fear burns like wildfires inside of my stomach. It wells up inside of my machine heart and stops the words from coming. It stops me, sometimes, from speaking the truth that people around me need to hear. And I know they need to hear it, because I was there at one point, inside a darkness that was seemingly never ending. But I can’t let the aching fear inside of me stop me from helping those that need it.

So I have found a strength. It has been etched deep inside of me for years, an unknown strength that I never imagined I could have. I summoned it up out of me like demons at an exorcism. And the best part about all of this is that you have this same strength inside of you, too. 

Who knew that our hearts, as intricately as they were made, could hold such deep feelings, deep purpose, and unimaginable hope? There are places inside of your soul that are just waiting to be discovered, strengths and possibilities that are dying to be unleashed. So what are you waiting for?

Unleash them.

Listen to Me & Take Heart

Life is hard, no one ever said that it was going to be easy. There are things that happen to us as human beings that can be difficult to bear. People that we love pass away unexpectedly, plans change in the blink of an eye, money continues to breed corruption, and we are sometimes forced to make unpleasant decisions that we never thought we would have to make. We lose track of time and our sight of what’s truly important gets blinded by the things that aren’t. We are all humans, living side by side on a planet that is so far from perfect. That’s what makes strength so beautiful; we can rise above it all. We can plaster a smile on our face and make the choice to be happy despite all of the darkness. We can find our own individual peace within all of the unrest and violence in this world. Rest in the fact that you are an imperfect creature, but that it’s all going to be okay.

Three years ago, I never thought hope was possible. I never thought I could change and I never saw the possibility and opportunity that was staring me right in the face. I looked into the mirror and saw a woman full of broken dreams; I had scars so deep, the pain that resulted from them sometimes rendered me emotionally paralyzed. I saw a woman that walked around absent of feeling. Her eyes were red and lifeless, her arms were full of needle marks, and her soul was full of despair. This woman was completely alone and her life seemed to have become meaningless.

Listen to me. You are never hopeless, you are never alone, and your life is the farthest thing from meaningless. You are a person, as broken as you are, and you matter. Every star and comet knows your name and there are parts of this world that are craving your footprints. You were put on this earth for a purpose, no matter how ridiculous that sounds. If you are ever struggling with something, there are people out there able to help you. When you feel absent of light, when you feel like you are on the edge and you’re about to fall, there will be someone there willing to catch you. Don’t lose heart.

Everything is going to be okay.