There is this cloud that hovers over me at times. It comes out of nowhere, a blob of darkness filled with feelings of emptiness and a cacophony of horrible insults aimed directly towards me. It follows me, penetrating my thoughts with lies that I find myself believing. What’s the point, Nicole? You’re not going to get anywhere. You are worthless. Give up.
My body feels weak and heavy as the cloud hangs over me. All I want to do is sleep & cry, cry & sleep. I am filled with hopelessness & pain. I lay there in my bed, begging for it to go away, to leave me alone. Make it stop. But it won’t stop. It won’t go away. I don’t know where it comes from. It comes out of nowhere. I can be feeling extremely excited or happy about something & then boom, just like that, those feelings are replaced with shame and depression.
It makes me not want to move or do anything. It renders me paralyzed, motionless. I no longer want to talk to people or to be touched. I get angry when someone asks me what’s wrong, or those gut wrenching questions like, “Why are you feeling this way?” I don’t know why I am feeling this way! If I knew, I could probably fix it! The thought of eating something is unbearably disgusting to me. I feel trapped, unable to get away. My head aches & pounds. It consumes me. I feel alone, even though I know I am not really alone, that there are thousands of people that experience the same thing on a daily basis. Knowing that doesn’t make me feel any better about it.
I don’t have any advice for you in this post, any words of wisdom to make any of it go away. That cloud, that horrible & ugly cloud just keeps coming back.
That, in itself, terrifies me.