For the Recovering Addict…

They say that everything heals with time. They say that the pain gets more bearable & things get easier. But lately, I feel like my heart is on fire & my soul is under attack. The things that I have done, the people that I have lost, the fear & the anxiety that continuously plague my life; it feels like it never stops. There are days where I can say that it isn’t that bad, that the trauma I put myself through is something that I can deal with, something I can handle. Then, there are the days where I wake up dreary eyed & filled with unfathomable sadness. I drag my feet to the bathroom, my stomach lurches & aches, & horrible recollections begin pulsing through my brain. Over & over again.

It was supposed to get better with time. It has been almost three years. Life was supposed to get easier. I’m sober, for God’s sake! Isn’t that good enough?

The reality of all this, the painful realization that has embedded itself into my brain, is that it doesn’t get any easier. It gets harder. In active addiction, you learn how to mask the emotions & the feelings through drug & alcohol use. You numb yourself to the point where nothing really hurts you anymore. You’re just there, barely living, & your body & psyche adapt to it. You don’t really have to deal with all the hurt in your life because the chemicals do it for you. Take those chemicals away & there is nothing left but you. So you have to learn how to handle it. You have to pick yourself up & fight through the things that you didn’t want to fight through before. I know, It sucks. I’ve been doing it for going on three years now.

It’s not easy, but I think that’s where the beauty of it all lies. The beauty of recovery is where your unacknowledged pain is, where your forgotten sorrow lives. You can either take those traumatic elements & use them to shape yourself into a better you, or you can leave them there. You can leave them there & ignore them, until they come back up & next thing you know, you’re using again. Deal with what you need to deal with & keep fighting, because it’s worth it. You are worth it.

It doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks about you or says about you. What matters is what lives within your heart & what you think and say about yourself. That’s what is most important. Look around you & make a mental list of the things that you are grateful for today. Remember how painful it would be to lose it all. Addiction is life or death, it’s shown its ugly face time & time again. It has taken valuable people in society.

Don’t let addiction win. It’s your choice.

 

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One thought on “For the Recovering Addict…

  1. Addiction comes in many forms. Food, chemical, behavioral. Freedom comes in many forms. Love, peace, serenity of the soul. Sometimes what seems to be the easier path turns out to be the most difficult. To find peace and serenity of the soul, you have to follow a more difficult path. You must look within at the hidden hurts and feelings of unworthiness. Find the true beauty that God has gifted. Dig deep. Fight for your God-gifted right to a happy and joyful life. You are worthy. You are beautiful. You are a child of God. Perfection of love, peace, and serenity. Come hold our hands…we’ll walk with you until you can walk alone.

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