I’m not really good at handling some emotions. I’m actually not entirely sure that a lot of us are. We, as individual human beings, are like a mixture of feelings and memories and tragedies and bones and organs and it’s just…it baffles me sometimes; how our layers of skin (despite how many we actually have, I believe we have like three of them) can hold it all in. It’s as if, perhaps metaphorically, we tighten and expand, we change and we adapt. And then, if people bottle all the things they are thinking and feeling up like I certainly do, we start to crack at the edges. And all of those feelings and memories and tragedies start to break through the surface until we feel lost. We don’t know what to do anymore, with all of it, and it terrifies us. So then we start to take these things out on other people, people that we love, people that are the closest to us, these other jumbles of skin and bones and organs and memories and tragedies and feelings. We take it out on them and then we feel regret. Am I wrong or alone on this?
Do I sound absolutely and completely nutso? I probably do.
But these are the things that go on inside of my mind, and I am trying to make some sense out of it all. My thoughts go on and on and on; they don’t stop, ever. Even when I’m dreaming, I’m dreaming about something I thought about during the day and then when I am awake, I’m thinking of what I dreamt about and the cycle continues.
I guess I no longer want to feel like I am alone. Because life is hard. I give out advice, and then I never take it. And in my opinion, the advice I give out is pretty damn good. I’m extraordinary at looking at other peoples’ lives and helping them out the best way that I can, but when I look into the mirror (especially late at night when my thoughts are keeping me awake) I can’t just say, “Nicole, go live your life. Smile and be happy. Let it go.” I guess it’s easier said than done.
But it is late, actually early because it is one in the morning, and I am trying to cope with the things rambling around in my mind, and I wanted to get it all out. So here, there it is.
Call me crazy if you want.